If I Had a Heart
by Chaouen
Summary: There are moments when Petyr thinks he's never been as alive as since Alayne came into his life.


**Author Notes** : My attempt at exploring what goes through Petyr Baelish's mind in relation with Sansa during their time together at the Erye.

Canon based, post AFFC.

I'm not a Petyr / Sansa shipper at all, but I do find his character and his obsession with the Stark women fascinating, so I wrote this in an attempt to understand him better. Hope my SanSan friends will know how to forgive me :P

English isn't my first language and this isn't beta-edited, so be aware of the grammar!

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Some days he thinks he's going to go mad.

Petyr Baelish was watching the girl who everybody believes to be his bastard daughter through the window of his chambers at the Eyre. Alayne was playing gleefully with Sweetrobin in the snow when she has looked up and her eyes have met his, a smile lighting up her pretty face. He's needed to hold his breath for an instant before bowing his head and smiling back; his heart pounding so loudly in his chest that he wonders how it is possible that nobody notices.

If people knew what he has made the girl go through, they may think he is insane. Alayne carries his mother's name, has Cat's beautiful features and acts as his loving daughter; which would be enough for any man to lose his mind and stop thinking clearly. However, Petyr is not any man; he knows without any doubt what she means for him and who she really is: _Sansa_ \- a completely different person that has nothing to do with the other women of his former life. Someone new, young and fresh and in so, somehow better, because she doesn't carry the weight of their past and is able to look at him with different eyes. Smart blue eyes that never looked at Littlefinger that way when belonging to Catelyn Tully. Eyes that lately are making him tremble every time they gaze at him.

He doesn't fool himself though; he is aware that Littlefinger is not the kind of man highborn girls like her dream of. He's not a knight in shining armor, not the heir of an important family or a handsome young lord. However, he's played the role of her savior and, though it was just a small part of a bigger scheme, he's secretly enjoyed it. Now the girl is at his mercy and she even has to thank him for it. What a pleasant feeling, to have someone so desirable as her so dependent on him!

Petyr thinks of the sweet smile she has granted him barely moments before and a grin creeps on his lips as he can't help but recall the first time he kissed her. He hadn't planned it; for once in his life he just acted by mere instinct. She stiffened beneath his lips - surprised or repulsed, who knows - and although that small slip had cost him Lysa's life, it was worth taking the risk. After all, what's a single life compared to the sweetness of a moment dreamed of for a lifetime? There have been more occasions after that. He has taught the girl to be a good daughter, to kiss his father good night and sit on his lap when he asks her to. She always does as she's told; she is a dutiful girl after all. At some point, she stopped being reluctant to his demands; maybe out of curiosity, maybe because she knew she had no other choice. Maybe it's that she has finally realized that she is alone and has nowhere to go, that Littlefinger is his only true friend in the world, the friend who saved her from the Lannisters. Petyr doesn't know what goes through her mind in those moments and even tells himself he doesn't care - but he knows he does. And there are days when he ruminates so much about it that he thinks he's going to go mad.

Because it's long since Petyr is aware of how much he delights in having Sansa around. He likes when she sits to read next to him while he writes letters. When he watches how she rules the castle and deals with the servants. When she helps him to prepare the meetings with the Lords of the Vale and then looks at him from her seat with a conspirational stare, as if they shared a secret that the rest of the room doesn't know about. He likes it all. Though it's when she is comfortable and smiles at him with no reason what he loves the most, and it's then when he needs to feature his best stony face not to melt inside as a green boy. He, who already has gray threads on his temples. What a fool.

Soft knocks on the door takes him out of his rambling thoughts and he tries to master his face before letting her in.

"Have you summoned me, father?" the girl asks with gentle voice as she walks to his desk, her hands clasped together in front of her in that kind and submissive way he so much likes.

"Yes, come here sweeting."

He pulls himself from his seat and steps slowly towards her; savoring her presence, grinning in anticipation.

"Lord Royce and his daughter are coming tomorrow for lunch. We two have important matters to deal with and I need you to do the arrangements for the meeting," he tells her, all soft voice and confident grin. His hands have reached her shoulders and are pressing there lightly, feeling her slim body under his palms and fighting the urge of pull her into his arms. "Could you do that for me, my dear?"

"Of course, father."

She is all blue eyes and gentle gaze, sweet smell and freckles on her cheeks, the promise of soft and warm skin under her garment when his hand cups her face and he leans forward to leave a brief kiss on her lips.

"Good, you can leave to rest now, Alayne. Tomorrow will be a long day."

"Good night, Petyr." She says before turning to leave, her eyes gleaming with something different now.

Petyr takes his hand to his lips and brushes them with his fingertips, green eyes fixed on the door the girl has just closed behind her. Has she lingered in the kiss more than usual or is it just his imagination betraying him? Has she closed her eyes and kissed him back or is it just a foolish wishful thinking? Is he going mad and feeling things that aren't meant to be? Though, what if it is true, what if she really kissed him on her own will, if she is openly returning his attentions? What would he do? Would he be able to restrain himself or would he just blow up the last wall that keeps his will apart from her? Though he should never allow that to happen between them.

Petyr Baelish has plans, many important plans. For him, for Sansa, for the Vale, for Westeros. He has put upside down the realm just to rebuilt it anew exactly as he wishes, working endlessly in the shadows - the mockingbird, the little man nobody notices because he isn't dangerous enough for the great lords of the great houses. How wrong they are! How stupid. He has moved the strings of their lives for years, he has planned the downfall of great houses, alliances between families, the dead of many men. Now his master plan is about to peak, his punishment on those conceited men who think themselves safe behind the walls of their castles. And _she_ is the key. Sansa Stark; the last of her kin, his best pawn, the Queen of his endgame. Oh yes, Petyr has plans for her, plans that involve marrying the girl with whom he needs, when he needs. That's why he can't allow himself to take a misstep. Not now. _Not ever_.

However, when he feels those sweet lips of hers on his, when he has the chance to brush her cheeks or place his hands over her waist even for a brief instant; in those crazy moments when he thinks she may be returning his kisses, he falters. And he wonders what would he do if the girl truly returned his longing, if he'd be able to leave her untouched as he needs her to be, or if he would finally unleash his hunger and take her. If he would allow himself to get lost in her sweetness and enjoy of her body, her soul and her heart. Because in his wild dreams she always gives herself to him completely, body and soul, and she loves him as a woman can only love the first man in her life. So, would he be able to fight his own desires or would he drown completely in her instead? That's what's eating him up inside. Ah, if she just glimpses the power she holds over him! What a fool she would be able to make of him! Petyr Baelish, the mastermind, defeated by a young girl with auburn hair and blue eyes, shredded by love. Then again, what if… what if it comes true? What if she really falls in love with him? Is there still inside him a place for love? He's always thought that he'd never love anyone but Cat, that Brandon Stark beat his capacity for love out of him many years ago. Yet, when he looks at her and she looks him back and she smiles just for him, when he feels the press of her body on his tights when she sits on his lap, when he takes himself in hand at night with the memory of his mouth over hers and her lovely image in his mind… in those moments he really believes, even just for a fleeting moment, that there is still a beating heart inside his chest. And there is nothing that he wish more then than to make her his once and for all and get lost in that love. Ah, the things he would do to her if having the chance! The things they could accomplish together if Sansa simply joins him completely! The Realm could be theirs!

It's in those moments when Petyr thinks he's never been as sane as since Alayne came into his life.

Nevertheless, that would be if he still had a heart. At the moment, there are more important matters that require his attention. Lord Harding is waiting for a letter he's still reluctant to send. Petyr may need his son to accomplish his goal, but that doesn't mean he likes the idea of marrying him to Sansa. Harry Harding is handsome, but proud and too wild for his own good. The mere thought of the boy looming over Sansa on their wedding night makes Petyr sick with jealousy. He knows he'll probably seduce her with his charm and good looks, and maybe she'll even like him, though some corner of his mind would rather prefer that that doesn't happen. Somehow, believing that she won't be happy with him, that she won't grant Harry her smiles and courtesies, comforts him in a twisted way. Petyr wished she never smile again to anyone but him, that they were his kisses and his arms which she longs for when being with her husband in bed. That she would remain by his side forever.

Finally he takes feather and ink, takes a deep breath and begins to write.

 _Lord Harding,_

 _I would like to invite you to the Erye during the following days. I think there is a very important matter we both have to discuss attending your son and my daughter that may be of great interest for you. I assure that this match I'm going to propose you won't disappoint you once you hear how it will benefit both parts._

 _Petyr Baelish, Lord Protector of the Vale._

He can't loose sight of the bigger picture. After all, Petyr is a practical man who can't allow that a girl destroys all he's so hard worked for. He isn't that mad, not yet.


End file.
